I’d like to say I’m a pretty positive person. But every once in a while, I’ll catch myself feeling overwhelmed and fed up with the things that I chose to put on my schedule.
The complaints are always the same: I don’t have enough time to read, “just chill”, or work on the projects I want to work on.
I recently went through one of these spells as I looked ahead to an unnaturally full travel schedule. Suddenly everything felt hard: deadlines somehow all piled up for just before I left; days would fly by and at 9 pm I’d still be sitting at my computer; multiple meals were missed before I even realized I was hungry. After spending the entirety of this year trying to focus on learning how to take care of myself better, it felt like all the resilience I built just went out the window.
I’m a little embarrassed to say that Instagram is the reason I snapped out of it this time. This quote hit a little too close to home:
Since when did I start complaining about the life I used to dream about?
I remember the first time I sat down and drafted out a budget. I was still living at home and dreaming about having my own big-girl apartment. 30 minutes of Craigslist searching quickly quelled those ambitions. Even the dinkiest studio apartments in the not-so-nice parts of town would cost me 60% of my monthly income. Adding in utilities, internet, and groceries I would already be living paycheque to paycheque. Even as a (barely) young adult, I knew it didn’t make any sense.
At that point, my life view was microscopic at best. Somewhere between elementary school counsellors forcing us to choose a major, and then university brutally showing us that we were about to spend years studying electives that got us no closer to landing a job come graduation, I forgot how to dream of a big life.
My sights were set on what was immediately in front of me: get an apartment, move out of my parents’ place, feel some sliver of independence—and even that felt impossible at the time.
To say that I’m now living the life of my dreams is a terrible understatement considering I never even dreamed of being able to do what I’m doing now. I work for myself, partnering with brands that I used to save up for years to afford. I travel when I want, often being able to split a trip up so it’s for work and pleasure. I uprooted my life this year and moved to Paris because I wanted to.
So how am I now looking ahead to a month of travel for work, to attend my best guy friend’s bachelor party, and to support my boyfriend during his Ironman, and thinking about how exhausting it’s going to be? Taking a step back, I can’t help but feel ashamed. What am I bitching and moaning about?
It’s too easy to forget how far we’ve come when we’re entirely focused on what comes next.
It’s through this lens that I evaluated my busy travel month. Instead of seeing precious moments spent with friends and the achievement of being flown places for work, I only saw the sparse moments in between the travel days that I had left over for tackling my to-do list. With so many big dreams to accomplish, could I really afford all this fun?
But really, who determined that while I’m building the life of my dreams, I should just ignore the life I’m living now? 8 year old me would stare at this version of me in awe so why am I not making the most of it? Sometimes I forget that being a positive person doesn’t mean that every thought comes as rainbows and butterflies. Like everything else worth having in life, you have to put in the work to preserve it.
Another version of the truth is that changing time zones three weeks in a row IS TIRING. Regardless of what I’m traveling for, all that flying does start to wear me down. And while I can proudly say that I can dictate my own work schedule, it doesn’t mean I don’t have work to do. Maintaining the momentum takes time and effort and when I choose to prioritize other areas of my life, it does take greater effort to sustain my work routine.
This month I really needed the reminder that where I am right now is freakin awesome. Just like how I sometimes look back at the freedom I had as a high schooler with no responsibilities whatsoever, one day I’ll look back at this era of my life and think “wow, she had it good.”
I’m not going to pretend like I won’t have another negative spell somewhere down the line. But I do want to put in more of an effort to see things for what they are: I’m already living the life of my dreams, so I need to shut up and just enjoy it.
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Angel xo